THIS WEEK IN PROSPECT PARK
A look at the week's goings-on in Brooklyn's largest and most beautiful public park. Plus monsters.
Reminder: Werewolves Cannot Qualify as Their Own Comfort Animals
October 31st - The Prospect Park Alliance has issued a reminder to all park users that werewolves do not qualify as their own emotional support animals.
“Even if fully registered and certified,” said Marissa Parker, Prospect Park Director of Guest Relations, “the Park’s October-to-December werewolf ban still applies in all cases.”
Prospect Park Ogre Relocation Project Pronounced a Success
September 21st - The Prospect Park Alliance has announced that the summer’s ogre relocation project was a huge success.
“The Ogre Chair,” a cleverly constructed trap consisting of a welcoming ogre-sized seat and collapsing cage walls, caught three of the hill ogres that had been harassing park visitors near the LeFrak Center Recreational Area at the Lakeside. The ogres, two males and a female, were then released on the western slopes of Lookout Hill, a much less visited part of the park.
“Ogres are fiercely territorial,” explained Prospect Park Vice-Director of Mythozoology Samantha Flumenthal, “They’ll immediately consider Lookout Hill to be their new home. We expect they’ll be very happy there.”
Visitors are reminded not to sit in the Ogre Chair trap themselves.
Cultists of The Old Ones Submit Petition to Ice-Skating Center
April 7th – Change may be coming to the LeFrak Ice-Skating Center next year, if a local group of ice-god worshipping cultists have their way.
Cultists of the Old Ice Lord Ithaqua have submitted a petition to the Prospect Park Alliance asking the park to discontinue the use of Ithaqua’s Eternally Frozen Tomb as the outdoor portion of the LeFrak Ice-Skating Center.
Liam Johansen, president of the Brooklyn Friends of Ithaqua, submitted the petition on Wednesday.
“We feel that we should have been consulted when the LeFrak Center was designed,” said Johansen, “We’re glad that families are able to enjoy winter activities on the Old One’s tomb, but the needs of the Ithaqua-worshipping community were not taken into consideration. We have noon-tide sacrifices, we have blood-moon sacrifices, we have winter solstice sacrifices, and none of these can be comfortably performed in the midst of small children skating and Justin Timberlake playing on the Skate Center’s audio system.”
The wide circle of preternaturally cold stone has sat near the eastern shore of the Prospect Park Lake for as long as anyone can remember, but it’s only been since 2013 that visitors to the LeFrak Center have been invited to skate on it.
“Space, particularly recreational green space, is very hard to come by in New York City,” said Leena Karvonen, Assistant Director of Mytho-Religious Community Relations, “It only makes sense that a flat and hauntingly chilled surface would be used for multiple purposes. We’re confident we’ll be able to reach a compromise with the Booklyn Friends of Ithaqua, so that everyone can enjoy the area.”
Artist’s rendering of Ithaqua, The Wind-Walker, the Great Old One of the North.
Annual Paddleboat Gift from the Merfolk Comes Early
January 28th – Prospect Park Staff were surprised to see that this year’s gift of paddleboats from the lake Merfolk arrived months earlier than expected.
“Usually the boats pop up from the lake’s depths closer to springtime,” explained Kai Opunui, Prospect Park Director of Aquatic Community Relations. “Perhaps this year the mermen and women were concerned with the frigid temperature predictions for February and March? We’re not sure, really. We have very little communication with the Merfolk, other than the gift delivery itself.”
Plans are being made for the new paddleboats to be removed from the lake and stored until spring, in case the lake freezes over.
A collection of 20 to 50 shining new paddleboats have bobbed up into the center of the lake annually since 1983, when the Merfolk moved into the lake to escape pollution from their previous home in the New York Harbor. This year’s paddle boats numbered 37.
Fog Dragon’s Visit Considered a Great Success
January 17th – The scheduled visit to Prospect Park by a fog dragon Monday night went off without a hitch, according to park staff.
The dragon’s application to visit Prospect Park—the park’s first visitor of its kind—was submitted months ago, but took longer than usual to process due to the dragon’s unique considerations.
“We had to look into airline flight plans, bird migration, helicopter permits—things which could possibly be disrupted” said Prospect Park Assistant Coordinator of Special Events Eloise DiLeo. “Drones, fortunately, are illegal in New York City so we didn’t have an issue there.”
There was some concern, DiLeo explained, that with this week’s cold snap the air would be far too cold for moisture to condense into fog. “But,” she said, “I guess the dragon had that covered.”
No park staff were able to spot the dragon through the thick evening fog, but they did receive “a very nice thank you note” on Wednesday.
Prospect Park to Attempt to Lure Rare Maryland Snallygaster
The Prospect Park Alliance has announced springtime plans to lure a snallygaster from the mountains of western Maryland. The half-reptile/half-bird cryptid, known for its metallic beak, has been pursued in the Frederick, Maryland area since the sixteenth century—including capturing the attention of avid game hunter Teddy Roosevelt—but Prospect Park officials think they have the answer.
Artist’s rendering of a snallygaster. Illustration by R.H. Hanson, from “Snallygaster, the Lost Legend of Frederick County”
Folklore traditionally suggests that snallygasters can be lured to open vats of vodka.
“We plan to place five to seven large tubs of vodka, guarded of course, at strategic intervals around the park,” said Prospect Park Occult Acquisitions Director Evan Obuleed, “And then we cross our fingers.”
Not everyone is excited at this prospect, however.
“We’re concerned about the example that this sets for the children in our community. The presence of large open vats of alcoholic beverages gives the wrong message.” says Dr. Susan Fox, founder of the Park Slope Parents group, in the neighborhood that borders the park to the west.
“We will be planning after-hours Working Moms Meet-Ups, however, at the vats once they have been installed,” added Dr. Fox, “Tuesdays, 7 to 9pm.”
Prospect Park Accuses the Brooklyn Botanic Garden of Attempting to Steal Away Their Nature Spirits
Chainsaws roar at Botanic Garden, as area is cleared next to the Shinto Shrine.
March 11 - Prospect Park officials have lodged a complaint with Brooklyn Borough Hall against the Brooklyn Botanic Garden, claiming that the Garden is expanding their Shinto Shrine complex in an attempt to lure kami, nature spirits, away from the park.
“They’ve always been jealous of the vast array of kami that have taken up residence in Prospect Park,” said Kumiko “Kiki” Hayashi, Prospect Parks’s Director of Kami Relations. “But to stoop to attempting to draw them into their own gardens is a surprising new low.”
Stealing from Prospect Park has nothing to do with it, says Brooklyn Botanic Garden Japanese Hill-and-Pond Garden Supervisor Mike Crenshaw. “We’re just trying to keep the shrine area beautiful for the venerated spirits that are there already. If more choose to call our shrines home, that’s not up to us.”
Prospect Park officials are dubious, however, and point to the Botanic Garden’s 1997 attempt to lure the park’s cockatrices into their magnolia plaza.
“The Botanical Gardens were under different management at that point,” says Crenshaw, “I can’t speak on that.”
Reached for comment, Wilson Robinson, Vice-Manager of Brooklyn Borough Hall’s Department of Green Space, says they have no plans to intervene.
“Yeah, we’re staying out of that,” said Robinson.
Warm January Weather Means Increased Yeti Sightings
January 25th - Prospect Park safety officials have designated northern regions of the park, particularly the northernmost areas of the Long Meadow, to be “Yeti Caution Zones” due to the increased yeti sightings brought on by the warm late-January weather. Park visitors are advised to avoid those areas until further notice.
“We don’t know if the park’s yeti are disoriented by the warmer temperatures, or they are simply easier to spot with no snow on the ground,” said Tenzin Jamyang, Prospect Park Co-Director of Alpine Cryptozoology, “But it is sad to see these popular areas of the park go unused.”
Jamyang expects the yeti sightings to peak within the next week or two, and the areas to be reopened shortly thereafter.
Prospect Park safety officials watch over a Yeti Caution Zone.
Gnome Clans File Formal Complaint Over Anti-Litter Campaign
October 25th - Prospect Park’s Gnome clans have lodged a formal complaint against the park’s Public Safety Department for a summer anti-litter campaign that they say was disparaging to the clans’ dignity.
The campaign’s posters, part of an effort to cut down on used condoms left on the park’s woodland trails, depict an illustration of a used condom with the words, “You don’t want a Gnome to accidentally use this as a hat, do you? Please throw away your condoms.”
“We were just trying to be cute,” said Public Safety Department Communications Director Alma Sawyer. “We have nothing but respect for the Gnomes, and sincerely apologize for any offense. Some of our best friends are Gnomes.”
The Gnomes’ complaint requests that the employees of the Public Safety Department who were responsible for the posters be required to take diversity training courses, and issue a formal apology.
“For months we considered just letting it go,” said Gorvind Woodhound, speaking on behalf of the Wideleaf Gnomes. “But it stuck with us—is that really what they think of us? Do they think we’re stupid? Obviously we’re not going to wear used condoms as hats. That’s disgusting. And most of them aren’t even red.”
